FAILED.
jittery. nervous. unsettled. my nerves just got the better of me.
my lesson just before the test went smoothly. yet i mounted kerb, almost killed a motorcylist from oncoming traffic, slid down the slope a little, supposedly didn't look at my rear windscreen when parking (which i did) and dragged the gears too long, too slow in changing during the test. ass! when i mounted kerb in the circuit, it was OVER! what use was there to continue driving? so with nothing to lose, i was more relaxed and drove with little mistakes. But what use was there??? i've failed! Immediate failure! but huo bu dan xing. so i had to have 2 immediate failures!

it seems so normal for people to say, it's just a driving test. so many people have failed it. so why get so upset over it? ya sure... but it's just that i've never failed in any major exam or test in my life! small tests sure... but not any important ones. it's just so upsetting! it's not that i dunno how to drive. it's not that i've not prepared for it. in fact, so much money and time has been put into it. yet unsettled nerves just destroyed everything. pissed off and disappointed!

so sad me decided to go to west mall to find some solace and happiness. tried food therapy. ate ice cream. and other junk. didn't care about the money. now i know why depressed people sometimes stuff themselves with food. chocolate releases endorphins which make u a lil happy. warm food gives you the physical warmth when there is no human warmth (hug) needed to feel better. the food helped temporarily and my stomach was stuffed. couldn't find anyone to talk to. so decided to watch movie by myself. only one of 2 times that i've done so. CLOSER. thought it was a comedy. but no, it was some complicated screwed up love relationship among 4 individuals. so troubling. well at least there were good looking people in jude law and nathalie portman. portman is really hot! but quite indecent in the show cos she was a stripper. ya anyway although it was a disturbing show, i felt somewhat better. i now know i'm not the only one who watches movie by myself. there were a few other loners too! hahaha...

after that, went to chinatown to relive some nice memories. stuffed myself with food at food street. food therapy! stumbled into a cool looking shophouse bar called backstage bar which turned out to be the only gay bar in the area. the owner even asked if i was gay! shit man.... now i know a rainbow coloured flag is the symbol for gay. then went to the cheap cd shops at chinatown. bought stef sun and david tao cds for 12 bucks only! retail therapy! next went to the austrian sausage shop to get cheese knaukers from the cool angmoh owner who speaks singlish. exchanged banter with him enough to make me smile.

ended the depressing day with a kind heart. saw a lady having difficulty carrying a haversack and a baggage at buona vista. people with such baggages tend to be foreigners who stay on nus campus, so i offered to carry the baggage. turned out to be really heavy!!! she's a 3rd year arts student who just came back from an education conference in UAE and she had her diving gear which explained the damn heavy bag! been to an overseas conference myself so can relate to her exciting and fun experience. i don't mind going for another of such conferences, meeting international youths and exchanging views and having fun! and from how she described UAE, i don't mind considering it a holiday destination.

wow... what a day. feel much better now. after tonight, sleep therapy will round up and should cure me of my disappointment.